Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
