Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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