i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
