I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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