Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
