Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
