why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
