Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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