ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
