im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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