Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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