do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
