i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
