I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
