I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
