My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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