From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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