I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
