don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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