Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
