he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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