Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
