i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
