Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
