Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
