dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The beer is more important than you right now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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