I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
