Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize
