Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my shit smells like andre
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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