so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
