even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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