my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
