Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
