if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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