My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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