I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
