Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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