This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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