I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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