I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
