that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
