WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
