the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
