IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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