My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize