I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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