i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
