Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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