I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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