god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
